How to Weird Out Cloud Strife
by Its Good to be a Myth
Summary: Chapter 2 up! Presenting Tifa Lockhart as the new Scarlet, rating is up due to Tifa's temper and Reno's bad language.
1. Cloud Strife

Pointless Crack!fic Inspired by K.A Rose (goddess of fic) and the fic "Baby Reno" by MikariStar

_Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of these characters, although if I did...well, lets just say Sephiroth would wear less and get more screenplay, as would the Turks. And Cloud? erm who?_

Hope you enjoy!

How to Weird Out Cloud Strife

The doorbell rang just as Reno finished stuffing the last of the padding down his shirt "Hold on yo!" he yelled as he ran to open it.

"What yo?" he demanded crossly yanking it open to find Cloud standing there.

Strife stared at him wordlessly before turning on his heel and striding off muttering "I need to scrub out my brain" to himself.

Reno kept his expression confused until the door was closed then grinned evilly as he walked into the kitchen he and Rude shared and marked off 'Cloud Strife' on the "fuck up with AVALANCHE's HEADS'" list they had made earlier.

Next time Rude could wear the padding.

Meanwhile Cloud sat in Seventh Heaven surrounded by empty bottles rocking on the stool. It would be a long _long_ time until he got the image of a pregnant Reno out of his head.


	2. Tifa Lockhart

Disclaimer: All of the characters mentioned belong to Squeenix except the little people, they're mine. I'm only borrowing them and will bring them back although Reno will arrive later and slightly sweatier than the rest.

Thanks for the reviews, sorry it took me so long to update, it took some time for a plot bunny to mature and then I spent ages not liking the chapter. I've messed around with it a lot, but I'm still not 100 with it so any and all constructive criticism is welcome whilst flames will be used to roast the plot bunny.

Hope you enjoy

* * *

Tifa Lockhart was mad, no, scratch that she was _furious_. She was also standing outside Reno and Rudes' home yelling, and knocking loudly on their door. Cloud hadn't left her bar for a week now. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, ( normally it'd be a fucking _miracle_) but no, the problem was that the poor blond refused to do anything except sit at a barstool and drink the strongest alcohol he could get his hands on. 

(And by strongest this meant the funny-shaped, pretty-coloured "cocktail" drink bottles with nice, dainty names like Spring Cordial and had wasps floating in them that Tifa kept for decorative purposes on a row of shelves. Also, they made good missiles when the crowd got a little too rowdy or Reno a little too free with his hands and groped her.)

Tifa had no idea what to make of this, but she would bet her fighting gloves it had something to do with Reno of the Turks, as the last time Cloud had deigned to speak to her from his drunken haze he had whimpered something suspiciously like _"Reno….pregnant"_ and proceeded to pass out onto her breasts.

She'd removed Clouds' head rather gingerly from her breasts, placing his head down on the –clean- bar surface and covering him with a warm blanket. She then reassured a worried and curious Marlene and Denzel that _no Cloud hasn't gone crazy, he's just tired_ and _no really he's not crazy, just watch the bar for me okay?_ When the boy proved stubborn and refused to believe her she rang the rest of Avalanche about Cloud's behaviour and sent the two children out to play before getting onto a train.

And _that_ dear readers, is why a furious Tifa Lockhart was pounding on the door of a certain cute redhead and his partner and screaming obscenities for them to open the fucking door right now.

The door opened. A barkeep walked into a bar. With Tifa completely unconscious Rude looked over to Reno who shrugged "Like Scarlet yo?" he said, grinning and making obscene hand gestures.

"…" Rude gestured towards the unconscious woman incredulously then sighed, slung her over his shoulder and walked out to the car he shared with Reno.

Reno grabbed some "supplies" from their home and joined a still out-of-it Tifa in the backseat as Rude drove them back to 7th Heaven. During the journey Reno managed to turn Tifa's outfit into something even more slutty and revealing with the judicious use of scissors. The little people in his head whispered something "Good idea yo!" and he nodded happily as he messed up her hair and got her smelling of smoke, alcohol and perfume. Rude decided not to ask his partner just _when _or _where _he had learnt to apply makeup, where he'd gotten it, or indeed, who he was talking to.

Raising an eyebrow at his partner Rude once more slung Tifa over his shoulder and placed her carefully onto a couple of overflowing refuse bags near her bar, stuffed a couple of gil and a little note with "Tifa Escort Services" written on it into her clothes (ignoring with long practice the glare and the "What the hell, Rude?" Reno sent his way) and both Turks left.

Tifa awoke, disorientated with an awful headache. She looked at herself, looked at the note yelped in shock and fled back into her bar slamming and locking it behind her.

She ignored Cloud's slurred "Tifa!" as he looked up from his hungover staring match with Denzel and fled into her room not emerging much later and joining Cloud at the bar.

Back at home Reno smirked at the little list taped onto the fridge. "Two down, seven to go" In his head, the little people threw a party.


End file.
